what I really need

I'm in intermittent contact with a friend from my past. We were very close in college and hung out a lot. She was completely unlike anyone I'd known before and we had such a great time with everything from fixing her bicycle to baking challah. She was funny and loyal and honest.

She developed a crush on a man in one of my classes and it turned to obsession. He would complain to me about this and she would complain about his treatment and I felt in the middle. When she convinced him to have sex and I kept hearing complaining from both sides, it was too much.

I reached a point and couldn't reach her and left a long message on her answering machine that it was just too much for me to be in the middle and I needed a break from our friendship.

Now it would not be too much. My loyalty to her would be much clearer. I would hate him for her when she needed and like him for her when she needed that. I understand now, that's what friends do.

But it took almost 20 years for us to speak again. I found her on Facebook when I changed my name (she had changed her name before), and we have infrequent communication. She has a young son (actually with that very man) and a lot of changes (moving cross-continent).

What always amazes me is how with real friendships, you just pick up. We have missed the past two decades in each others' lives, and yet it's like no time has passed. She's still funny as hell and makes all sorts of irreverent comments ("Those Christians sure know how to recruit young children - my Jewish 3-year-old peed his pants in glee at the Easter bunny.") I wish that I could just drop into their house, and it would be so comfortable. (And Ms. Moon, they live near Gainesville ... so if I visit New Orleans and rent a car to drive there, I hope I can visit with you too!)

When I realized that I really cannot continue with Very Important Man, I felt a little sad. There are so many things I like about him, especially how he likes me. But we can't make it work and I need to just really stick with that decision. (And there may be more rejecting his calls as I did today. The man is a charmer.)

But that little sadness is nothing like how I feel about missing my girlfriends. I've always been blessed with amazing friends in my life, and I would give anything to sit down with any or all of them.

I'm very sorry for the 20 years I missed with the friend above - I understand that I really hurt her, and I realize I really fucked up. At the same time, we've gotten over it, I think - and if she and I hadn't separated I may never have become so close with my very dear friend who is mother of my godsons.

There is something about very dear friends that is so precious, and I have lately been brought to tears too many times as I think how much I miss them. Sure, I have friends here ... but it's not the same. We just met. What I miss is people who really know my soul and love me, as I love them.

If I had to make a choice: true love forever with one man but no girlfriends, or close girlfriends and no man, there is no choice. No man. While I enjoy my relationships with men, they've never come close to being the soul-restorative relationships with the women in my life.

Sigh. I just need some girl-time.